Thought of the Week

A wise and saintly rich man, sensing his approaching death, called his son to his side and gave him these instructions: “My son, I shall be leaving you very shortly. On the day when I die, and they have washed my body and come to wrap it in the shroud, I want you to put one of my socks on my foot. This is my final request of you.”

Soon after this, the old man did indeed die, leaving behind his goods and property, his children and his dependents. Family, friends, acquaintances and neighbours attended his funeral. The body had been washed and was almost completely wrapped in the shroud, when the son remembered his father’s wish. Finding one of his old socks, he handed it to the washer of the dead, saying, “In accordance with my father’s last request, please put this sock on his foot.”

“That is quite impossible,” said the man. “Such a thing is utterly impermissible in Islam. I cannot act against the Sacred Law.” Despite this valid objection, the son insisted, “That was my father’s final request; it must certainly be carried out.”

The washer of the dead was unmoved. “If you won’t take my word for it,” he said, “go and ask the mufti. He will confirm what I tell you, that it is not permissible.” Holding up the funeral, they consulted the mufti, preachers and scholars, all of whom declared that this was not permissible in Islam. Just then, an aged friend of the deceased interrupted the debate with these words to the son: “My boy, your late father entrusted me with a letter which I was to hand over to you after his departure. Here, this letter belongs to you.” So saying, he gave him an envelope. Taken by surprise, the boy opened the envelope and read out the contents of his father’s letter:

“My son, all this wealth and property I have left to you. Now you see: at the last moment, they won’t even let you give me an old sock to wear. When you yourself come one day to be in my condition they will also refuse to let you keep anything but your shroud. Eight yards of shroud are all you will be able to carry over from this fleeting world into the Hereafter. So pull yourself together and be prepared. Spend the fortune I have left you, not for the satisfaction of vain desires, but in ways pleasing to Allah, that you may achieve honour in both worlds.”

Viewing Kids Differently

What I Would Do Differently if I Were Starting Over as a Parent

Recently the mother of three adult children said to me: ‘Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and raise my kids all over again. I think I would be a much better parent.

Her comments started me thinking about what I would do differently to raise my two boys and how I could share the wisdom I have learned with parents who are just starting out. Her are some changes I would make in the hope that new parents can benefit from these insights?

Catch yourself before you become too critical

When I was raising my children in the 1970s, my parenting style tended to be like that of a drill sergeant. More often than I like to admit, I nagged, berated, criticized and commanded, frequently in a loud, imperious voice. I hated the sound of my voice back then, since prior to becoming a parent I had thought of myself as a mild-mannered person.

My tone wasn’t driven by vindictiveness as much as by ignorance of parenting skills. I was often angry and frustrated because I couldn’t get my kids to listen up and cooperate. A typical exchange would go like this.

Me: Arif, watch out. You’ll spill the juice.
Arif: No, I won’t. (A minute later, he spills the juice.)
Me: What’s wrong with you? I told you it was going to spill. Why can’t you listen to me for a change?

I had to learn the hard way that constant nagging and criticizing only makes kids “mother-deaf,” and barking orders makes them resentful and defiant rather than obedient.

Helpful: In order to encourage children to cooperate, parents must minimize criticism and remember to point out what children do right more often than what they do wrong. I realize now that it doesn’t matter if the juice spills. Kids can learn from their mistakes especially if we don’t attack those mistakes.

Remind yourself to laugh more.

Unfortunately, I saw parenting more as a job than as a pleasure and it was a job for which I felt poorly qualified.

I was always on guard, fearful of making a mistake that would scar my kids for life. I gave too much weight to mundane decisions from what they ate to how they dressed to how many minutes they spent brushing their teeth to what time they went to bed. I failed to realize how much of their childish behaviour and silliness was perfectly normal.

Examples: When my kids refused to settle down at bedtime, I fretted about their inability to obey simple rules. And if a teacher expressed even the smallest concern about either of my sons study habits, homework or behaviour, I immediately projected a grim future of failure or unemployment for him.

Helpful: Today I realize how much easier life would have been for my sons and me if I had learned to lighten up. That didn’t mean giving up appropriate limits or necessary rules, but not everything had to be so deadly serious.

I admire the mother in my workshop who was able to use humour to respond to the incessant whining of her three-year-old by saying, I’m getting so furious with you that in one more minute my eyes are going to pop out of my head and roll down the street! Her child giggled and a crisis was averted. If only parents could be less earnest, child-rearing would be much more fun and rewarding.

Don’t feel threatened by honest emotions.

The first time one of my sons shouted: You’re not a good mother. I was devastated.

Where did such ugly feelings come from? How could he speak that way to me? Was I really such a monster? Then I became angry too, shouting: How dare you talk to me like that after all I’ve done for you?

I have learned that expression of strong feelings is natural and healthy. Negative emotions aren’t inherently bad, although we need to guide our kids how to express their emotions in polite and respectful manner.

Helpful: I learned to understand the power and importance of acknowledging children’s feelings and giving them room to express them, even when it make us uncomfortable. What a difference it would have made had I responded with empathy instead of fury to my son’s anger.

Example: When one of my children accused me of being a rotten mother because I wouldn’t let him stay outside and play, I might have said: I can see you’re really disappointed. I bet you wish you could trade me in for a new model.

Ignore your critics at the supermarket.

When my children were young, I was flooded with advice, as if everyone else knew much more about raising children that I did. I was surrounded by innumerable critics from the stranger in the supermarket who asked why I couldn’t keep my kids in line to my single adult friends who were dismayed by my children’s imperfect table manners.

Then, of course, I had uninvited uncles and so-called friends who often frowned upon my various approaches to discipline. It never occurred to me that I could just ignore them. However, I also understand that some advises given were very sincere and helpful.

Helpful: Looking back on those days, I wish I had been secure enough to recognize that I often knew better than others what was best for my children. I wish I had cared less about the remarks, stares and disapproval of strangers. Parents are entitled to decide for themselves how to raise their children ignoring the chorus of critical onlookers who only add to their guilt, anxiety and insecurity.

Accept your kids the way they are. I didn’t expect my sons to be so different from one another. I had assumed they would resemble each other and react in similar ways when I disciplined them.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Arif, my first son, was cautious and slow to adapt to new situations. He tended to tune me out. Tahir, my younger child, was bolder, more adventurous and quick to answer back.

There were many times over the years when I wished Arif would stand his ground and be more assertive, like his brother. And there were other times that I longed for Tahir to be more easygoing and less confrontational like Arif. Rather than accepting and appreciating each of their personalities, I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Not only did I expect them to be more alike, I also thought they would resemble me.

Helpful: Many parents struggle, as I did, with the fact that kids are so unpredictable. They may be entirely different from us. We have to work hard to remember where we end and they begin, so we aren’t always projecting our needs and longings onto them.

I understand today, more fully than I did when my sons were young, that our goal as parents is to love our children the way they are and guide them for what they want to be rather than the way we wish they would be.

N. Samalin

Imam Jafar as-Sadiq (AS) on animals and death

Imam Jafar as-Sadiq (AS) narrates to his companion Mufadhdhal about animals when they die.

“Oh Mufadhdhal! Just consider the constitutional trait of animals! They hide themselves when dying just like people when they bury their dead. The carcasses of the beasts and animals are not seen. They are not so little to be overlooked. In fact, their numbers are greater than that of men.

Look at the flocks of deer, addaxes, zebras, ibexes, and stags and also at other different species like lions, badgers, wolves, leopards, and others, and the many kinds of insects living inside the bowels of the earth and moving on its surface in the deserts and mountains, and birds like crows, partridges, ducks, cranes, pigeons, and birds of prey! None of their corpses do we see except the few that hunters get as games or those that are devoured by beasts. As a matter of fact, when these animals feed they are about to die, they hide themselves in some secret place and die there. Had it not been so, the earth would have been filled with carcasses and would have been infected by epidemics and all kinds of diseases.

See the arts and lessons that man has learnt from these animals! The first example is that which has been mentioned by the Almighty in the story of Adam’s children when Cain (Kabil) had murdered Abel (Habil). Can saw two crows fighting, one killing the other and then burying the carcass of the killed one wherefrom Cain learnt to dig and conceal his brother’s corpse. These animals have been given this instinct to save man from the affliction of those troubles and epidemics which would result later on…”

-Excerpt from Tawheed al-Mufadhdhal